Status

Dr. Kleinbaum reviewed the results of my most resent ultrasound and had determined that I would need to be switched to another chemo drug for approximately three cycles since the Adriamycin and Cytoxin  were not reducing my tumor as expected. I was absolutely devastated.  Chemotherapy is so awful...and exhausting...and depressing. I later decided that rather than enduring more chemotherapy that I'd just go ahead and get the mastectomy rather than the lumpectomy. I decided I was DONE with chemotherapy and the sickness that you endure after treatment.

I met with Dr. Hubbard - my surgeon - and after reviewing the results of the latest ultrasound he stated that he could do the lumpectomy and get a good result without additional chemo.  I was in tears. I could save my breast and not endure more chemo cycles.  Dr. Hubbard handed me a tissue and told me to take all the time I needed.  Hey - anyone needing a compassionate, understanding, excellent breast surgeon should contact Dr. Hubbard.  He's absolutely amazing!

So....long story short.....I am having a lumpectomy on July 20th. And will meet with a radiation oncologist to perform the radiation following my surgery.  I am on the road to remission.  I am excited about having this cancer removed from my body. Never to endure it again.  Never thought I'd be here, but glad to be considered a SURVIVOR!!

One Morning You Wake Up and You're Dumb

Chemo Brain is REAL. And it makes me really sad. And a bit scared.

One night I went to bed a pretty normal, intelligent woman and I woke up dumb. Just like that. 

All of a sudden I find that I have difficulty finishing sentences because I can't find the word. I begin to talk and *wham* it hits me.  It's like I've all of a sudden developed a learning disability but others don't get it because up until now I've been a pretty normal intelligent person. This has proven to be pretty humiliating in situations at work - like meetings. I can see the look in others' eyes that says "What's wrong with you?"

Today I had to send out an e-mail to my co-workers trying to explain why it is necessary that they should try to send all questions to me in written form so that I have time to formulate a knowledgeable response. And that it would be better if they didn't "pop" into my office because it's too distracting and therefore difficult for me to get back to the task at hand. How absolutely embarrassing!


I believe that this has to truly be the worst part of my treatment. Just hopeful and prayerful that one day my intelligence returns to normal.

And you think YOUR driver's license photo is bad....

I had to get a new driver's license because I somehow lost my most recent....after paying to get a new one with the correct address just months ago.  So I drove the 45 minutes to the driver's license office, got a number and waited three hours.

The woman at the desk said, "You know, you can just renew your license and not have to come back in February when yours expires!"  I said, "Sign me up!"  Who wants to go through three more hours of rude people talking on cell phones so loud you'd think they were deaf, witnessing white trash pregnant mothers slapping their four year olds around (and the child seriously needed a bath and was wearing diapers no less), anxious 15 year olds waiting for their chance at a driving permit, etc. Didn't sound like a bad idea to get it all taken care of at once. 

They made me take an eye exam which I failed until I realized that I couldn't see the first six digits on line 7 because I had a contact in my left eye for reading and a contact in my right eye for distance. The test doesn't account for that. Once I explained my situation, the woman behind the desk allowed me to read line 5 with only my right eye to make sure I was able to maneuver a vehicle without the benefit of a seeing eye dog.

Next I was finger-printed (when did that start?) and then the woman quietly asked me if the scarf on my head was due to medical reasons. (I thought I would be there 10 minutes so didn't bother with my alternative hair.) I explained that Yes, I wasn't wearing this just to look cool. She asked me to step back and look at the blue dot so she could get my picture. I said, "You're going to take my picture with my scarf on?" She said that they wouldn't require me to remove it.  What I really meant was "You're gonna' MAKE me take a picture without hair, and that's going to be my driver's license photo for the next five years?"  I stepped back behind the line and tried to smile but all I could squeeze out was tear-filled eyes. I stepped back up to the counter and the woman took my hand and asked if I was going through chemotherapy. I told her I was. She told me that she was a cancer survivor and I'd be fine.  It's funny how you immediately get kinship with total strangers because of some devastating disease. I don't really want to be a member of this club. And I really don't want a reminder for the next five years that everytime I pull out my driver's license tha bald is NOT beautiful.

Going Going Gone?

The books tell you that between days 10 and 14 your hair will start to fall out.  Well, Day 10 came and of course I pulled wildly on my hair just to test it.  Still there!  Day 11, 12 - same thing.  Well, today was Day 13 and lo and behold I noticed that when I pulled on my hair in the morning, I'd lose a few strands. Nothing major.  Maybe it was my imagination.  Day wears on....more strands when I'd run my hands through my hair at work.  Must be my imagination.  Evening comes and time to wind down and get ready for bed. Tried another test pull just on my bangs for grins. After all, tomorrow is Day 14 - THE Day!!  Out of about 50 hairs pulled, at least 10 released in my grip! I am in the throes of hair loss.  It's official. The books don't lie as much as you want them to be untrue or for everybody but you.  I anticipate the hair on my pillowcase in the morning like a kid who loses a tooth and waits anxiously for the quarter from the Tooth Fairy. Strange, huh?  I guess it's my "right of passage."  Chemo is just doing what it does best.  Kicking cancer to the curb.  And in the process a bit of hair.  Nothing to worry about.  (smiles)

Study Finds Cheddar Biscuits Relieve Stress of Chemo

Well, I survived the night and came back for more.  Mostly just really really tired. I kept waiting for the nausea and vomiting to happen but thankfully there was NONE!!  At least for Day One.  I have read that some side effects take several days to appear, so keeping my fingers crossed!!  Day Two required two bags of drippings!! One:  Anti-nausea drugs; Two - Hydration.  And then one really big expensive shot to increase production of healthy blood cells.  I thought sure they would be able to put the in the iv, but Noooooo.  They put it in my arm.  Ouch!!!  Margie and Mom were my companions again on Day Two!  What wonderful gals!!  After the first hour, Margie walked to Red Lobster and got us some soft drinks and a bag of their most wonderful awesome cheddar biscuits.  Yum Yum!  The highlight of chemo!  The nurse said we weren't supposed to have food in the treatment room, but she liked us and let us eat to our hearts content!  Felt well enough to drive home again on day two! 

Thank you Lord for my wonderful family and friends!  I am truly truly blessed!

Fact or Crap?

I was actually a little bit excited about starting chemo.  After all - once it had begun I was that much closer to the end.  My mom and my friend Margie came with me.  We sat in matching recliners in one of the "big" rooms. The private rooms only had enough room for 2 people. The nurse was really skilled, compassionate, and nice. Got all my vitals taken and then the fun began.  They put this cold freeze on your skin where the needle goes into the port so it doesn't hurt.  It hurt a bit, but nothing major. First bag:  Antibiotics - took about 20 minutes. Next bag: Steroids - another 30 minutes.  We discussed whether I'd get muscular, hairy, or just angry because of the steroid treatment.  I said I'd prefer hairy since it'll be gone shortly anyway.  Third Bag: Cytoxin - about an hour.  Finally: Adryamycin - 30 minutes.  This one was bright red!  (Yep - you pee red when it gets through your system, too!  Kool-aid in the potty!!)  Overall, there wasn't anything to do but sit and wait and change bags and chat and sit and wait and change bags and chat.  Margie brought Fact or Crap to pass the time.  Interesting questions.  I think I'll make my own:

Fact or Crap:  Adryamycin makes your pee turn red?  Fact
Fact or Crap:  Your hair falls out as soon as you're done with chemo?  Crap
Fact or Crap:  It's important to have a good attitude when going through chemo?  Fact
Fact or Crap:  Chemotherapy drugs are poison for your system? Fact
Fact or Crap:  Taking naps is a good solution for chemo-induced fatigue? Crap
Fact or Crap:  Good friends make your chemotherapy sessions go by quicker?  Fact

I felt well enough to drive home on my own.  I didn't know that I'd keep the needle-thing in the port on my chest, but it'd be one less stick the next day when I come back for hydration!  One down three to go!

It's Hard at the End of the Day...I Need Some Distraction.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here