It's Hard at the End of the Day...I Need Some Distraction.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

Drain Out! Recuperating Well

So today I met with Dr. H to get the drain taken out of my left side.  I was thrilled.  He said he's never had anyone who said "Gee....I wish I could keep this a bit longer."  Really?  There was a resident with him.  I said "Hey, you get to learn from the best."  Dr. H said, "Thanks, that's another $5 in your pocket.  Keep it up!"  LOL. Dr. H said it wouldn't hurt for him to pull the drain out.  He lied.  I forgive him. 

If I Keep Beating the Odds, Why Can't I Win the Lottery?

Went in Thursday morning for the port placement and the sentinal node biopsy.  The nurse made me take a pregnancy test which for some reason just pissed me off.  Unless I'm carrying the next messiah into the world, I'm NOT pregnant. "Hospital Rules Honey...." Grrrr. 

Got the IV stuck in my right arm.  Had to draw a purple "X" on my left boob with a marker so that they'd take the sentinal nodes out of the correct side. Lord, that's enough to make you nervous! They won't know unless I mark it for them???

Later Dr. H came in carrying a small lead box.  I asked him what he brought me for lunch.  He said a radioactive shot.  Ouch.  They injected the radioactive dye into my left breast. It stung!  Then I had to wait for two hours for the dye to move to the sentinal nodes before they could operate. There was no television in the room so I read and did puzzles and chatted with mom a bit. Couldn't sleep because it was still morning and I wasn't tired.  Just nervous.  Finally at 12:30, Dr. H was ready for the surgery.  Told my mom I loved her. They gave me the cocktail in my IV and wheeled me into the operating room. Next thing you know, I woke up back in my little room in the surgery center.

Bad News.  There's a really rare chance that the radioactive dye from the shot doesn't work.  Guess who beat the rare chance?  You got it!

That means that they went ahead and took out all of my lymph nodes on the left side...regardless of whether they were cancerous or not.  Apparently they can't tell which are the sentinal nodes without the dye working so they don't know which ones to test.  They just rip them all out.  I think this is the first time I really cried.  I did NOT want my lymph nodes removed if at all possible. To think that it may have been an unnecessary surgery and a lot longer recovery makes me upset.

Echocardiogram (aka Ultrasound of the Heart)

Just had an echocardiogram, or ultrasound of the heart. It is supposed to be able to tell if your heart muscles are healthy enough to go through chemotherapy.  They look to see if there are any leaks between the valves and the amount of "squeezing" the heart muscles do.  And something called "strain."

The tech doing the test was young and really cute.  The room was barely lit.  My heart was pumping (lol). I sent him telepathic messages to drop the ultrasound wand and grab my boob since he was right there anyway. 

Guess it's true - men really aren't mind readers.  LOL!!!

If I have any blood left!

Waited at home for the phone call from Dr. Hubbard's office and/or the Outpatient Surgery Center to see when I would get scheduled for my pre-surgery tests and the outpatient surgery as well.  Autumn at Dr. Hubbard's called about 9:00 to tell me that they couldn't get me scheduled until Thursday morning.  That's when they'll implant the port and do the lymph node stuff.  I was supposed to go pick up my paperwork at Dr. Hubbard's office and then get the blood work and EKG in the afternoon. 

I drove to work as quickly as I could and after meeting with several people on "important" issues (not), I was able to leave about 11:00 and go up to the Woodlands to get started. 

First to Dr. Hubbard's to pick up the paperwork.  While I was waiting, Dr. and Mrs. Hubbard arrived with their lunch in tow.  Of course Dr. H came out to see if I was getting everything squared away.  I told him I was a bit concerned that if they couldn't put the port in until Thursday that perhaps I'd have to delay the chemo for a week.  He said that unless I have to stay in the hospital for the lymph node surgery I could probably still get the chemo treatment if late on Thursday afternoon.  Really?  Wow!  I am thinking I'd need a mental break if nothing else, but maybe it's good to get it all taken care of on one day. 

Mrs. H came out and talked to me about the Lymphedema testing that they can do upfront to detect whether or not you'll get lymphedema.  Said that they can monitor the swelling in my arms and legs and if anything is detected prior to it actually showing up, I can be treated so that it is controlled before the massive swelling takes place.  Apparently the swelling NEVER goes away once it's at a certain stage! REALLY?  I had no idea.  I decided to have the testing done.  Insurance doesn't cover it but it's $85.  I think that is much better than waiting until your arm swells up to twice its size and then living with it.  Gross.  Mrs. H hooked some electrode strips up to both arms and one foot.  Took my baseline measurements and that was it.  In three months I go back in for them to measure again.  Easy as pie.

Went on to get blood work done AGAIN.  I'm getting tired of getting stuck.  Maybe it's better that I have this port-thingy.  Don't have to watch them poke a needle in my arm everytime I need chemo. 

Waited about 40 minutes to get the EKG.  That took all of a few minutes as well.  We talked about the devastation in Japan. What a mess.  Yes, things could definitely be worse than they are for me right now. 

Thank you Lord Jesus for such a wonderful medical team surrounding me and guiding me in my process.  Thank you for the roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in at night.  Thank you for my family and friends to pray for me and support me.  Thank you for hope and a bright future.  Thank you for your grace and mercy and peace.  Amen!

I think he's scared...

Retrieved up my son from UT Austin yesterday.  I had my hat hair with me for fun. I put it on for him when he got in the car.  Then I asked him if he wanted to try it on to see how he'd look with long hair.  He just said "No."  Later when we were home and unloading everything from the car, he got the things out of the backseat.  We got in the house and I couldn't find my "hat hair."  I went back to the car to see if it got left behind. There it sat, untouched in the backseat.  I don't think he wanted to pick it up.

Really?

Can I just say that my illness seems like such an inconvenience to you...

Shopping for Alternative Hair

All I can say is take a friend of two with you and make a day of it.  I asked three friends to go on my wig shopping day with me. We started out with lunch at LaMadeline.  Yum.  Afterwards we went to the most wonderful place on earth.  Gayla's Wigs. This lady is soooo darn amazing. She spent TWO HOURS with us giving me personal attention, care and compassion.  She considers this her ministry and it's evident.  She talked about her own journey and I could truly say that she understands what women go through. At the end of the day, she gave me a card. It was a musical card with a Christian song and a personal message in it.  She hugged me tight and told me everything would be okay.  Wow.  Who would have known?  I ended up ordering a cute wig and got a hat with hair.  My friends and I ended up going out for a margarita to celebrate.  I wore my hat/hair for grins to try it out.  Kept thinking people would do a "double take" cuz it would look funny, but no one did.  We sat on the patio outside because the weather was so wonderful. I can not thank my friends enough for all of the wonderful support they give me.  Love you guys!!

You're Gonna' Put What in my Chest???

So Dr. Hubbard tells me that he's going to do surgery to stick one of these in my chest...under my skin.  This will be the IV port in which they will administer the chemo drugs. What?  The tube goes INTO the veins in your heart.  What?  They stick the IV needle through your skin and into the rubber "button" on the port.  What?  Not a fan.

Tears at Work

I decided after reflecting on everything that Dr. Kleinbaum had told me that I really needed to take a backseat to the Bon Secours project at work.  How can I lead one of the most important projects over the next 4-5 months if I have "chemo brain" and I'm in and out of the office.  This was really hard for me, but I met with my boss and my boss's boss and told them I had to give it up. Funny - my boss said that they were pretty much waiting for me to come to that conclusion.  They didn't want to force me to give up the project but had been doing contingency planning in case I couldn't complete it.  Said they wanted me to feel as though I had some control over "something" in my life.  What wonderful people.  Teary eyed. I gave up the fight. 

Meet with the Medical Oncologist.....

Dr. Hubbard set up an appointment with Dr. Kleinbaum, a medical oncologist. We met on March 9th.

Took Mom with me so she could "hear what I hear" and ask questions if she had any.  It took me almost 40 minutes to fill out all of the paperwork that they had waiting for me at the Northwest Cancer Center when I arrived. Dang.  I'm glad so glad I got this stuff organized early.  Lots of paperwork to keep up with.

Dr. Kleinbaum introduced himself and asked lots of inital questions. Then said, "I'll have you change into one of our Louis Vitton gowns and then I'll examine you."  LOL.  It was one of those paper gowns that fit like a dumb vest. "Opens in the front."  (Of course, how else would you be able to feel my boobs?"  LOL

Shortly he came back in and examined me and then said, "I'll step out now so you can get dressed."  WHAT?   You just saw me naked and felt my boobs, but now you want to leave so I can throw my bra and t-shirt on?  I think that's comical.

He said lots of big words like Adriamycin and Cytoxan.  (Just looked those up to see how to spell them!!LOL)  My mom was there with me but I think everything went over her head.  In fact she said, "I am not sure what you are talking about." Lordy. Lordy.

Found out I will have chemo every three weeks for four rounds. I was pleasantly surprised. Thought I'd have chemo once per week.  I will have Chemo on Thursday and then have to come back in on Fridays to get a boost of some drugs which will hopefully elevate the good blood cells so that my immunity is not so low.

Dr. Kleinbaum said that nausea and vomiting are most prevalent in women my age. Whoopie!!  I guess I would have thought that as you got older the side effects would be worse, but oh no.....just my luck!

Relief!!

Dr. Rourke: "I have the results of the CT Scan on the lungs that you had earlier today." 
Me: "Ok."
Dr. Rourke: "It's good news.  The lung is clear. No cancer."
Me (with tear filled eyes): "Thank you."
Hugs all around.

2nd Opinion

On March 3rd I met with Dr. Rourke at MD Anderson Cancer Center in the Woodlands.  She was young and really nice.  She said "So, who bullied you into coming to MD Anderson?"  My reply was, "Pretty much everybody!"  She laughed.  She discussed everything that she had information on.....I had provided them with the pathology reports and the films from the mammograms and ultrasounds.  She confirmed everything that Dr. Hubbard had said. She said that Dr. Hubbard is a wonderful, wonderful surgeon and that I'd be in great hands with Dr. Hubbard. She said that he's actually her mentor.  Well heck, if he's her mentor I should stick with the top dog, huh? Dr. Rourke examined me and said, "Wow, you've really been beat up!"  Both of my boobs are black and blue and purple and green.  Yuck!  Dr. Rourke drew out some great graphs and pictures to help explain everything. I found out that day that regardless of whether I go with the lumpectomy or the mastectomy I have to have chemo.  Hmmm.  I thought previously that if I had the mastectomy I could avoid chemo.  Dr. Rourke said, "Nope, you avoid radiation probably, but not chemo."  DAMN.  I really didn't want to have to do the Chemo-thing!  That threw me for a bit of a loop.  Heavy sigh.

I'm soooo done with all this damn testing!

Went back to Memorial Hermann in the Woodlands for more tests. They did the CT Scan first.  Got hooked up to the IV so they could pump the chemicals in my veins. The woman who performed the test was introduced to me as The Amazing Kristen.  She was really nice and sweet.  Calm and gentle.  When the chemicals hit my system it was a very strange warm feeling. Kirsten said "You'll feel like you're urinating, but you're not."  That's exactly what it felt like when it hit "that" area.  The whole test took a couple of minutes. I prayed the whole time. Lord, please don't let this spot appear on my lung again.

Then on to the ultrasound procedure.  I was waiting for the Butcher, Dr. Markle to appear.  Surprise!! A new doctor....Dr. Nordmann stepped into the room.  I was worried that she'd be like The Butcher, but she wasn't. She did the left side ultrasound and found the spot that had showed up suspicious on the MRI.  "3 o'clock tumor" LOL.  She said it looked like she'd need to do the biopsy.  She looked at the right side and didn't find anything to worry about. Whew!! Back to one side!!

While they switched gears to do the biopsy, Shirley (the radiology nurse) came into the room to get something out of her purse.  She said "Hello.  I remember you were here a couple of weeks ago.  How are you doing?"  We talked briefly and then she asked if she could pray for me.  What?  How wonderful!  She prayed such a beautiful prayer for a calm spirit and healing. I started crying and she just handed me tissue and held my hand.

The biopsies weren't as painful.  Dr. Nordstrom did hit one sensitive area and then said, "Hey - looks like you could use some more lidocaine!"  YES!!  After that I didn't feel anything except pressure. 

Back to the mammogram area to get the pic of the new titanium market which had been inserted in my boob at 3 o'clock.  Uggggh.  Pretty soon I'll be setting off the metal detector at the airport.

More Tests Needed

Last weekend I had an MRI to determine if there were anymore cancer cells in the breast area.  The results came back that yes, there were additional areas on both sides that need to be reviewed more closely.   I have ultrasounds/biopsies scheduled for Thursday morning to collect samples to see if these additional areas are benign or malignant.  (OUCH!! And please pray that Dr. Solomon will be there to do the test and not Dr. Markel! I've had biopsies by both already and Dr. Solomon is an angel and Dr. Markel is a butcher.......in my humble opinion......just sayin')

 

Additionally I had a PET CT scan done last Saturday. This scan was to determine if I had cancer cells in any other organs or bones.  The test results showed a spot glowing on my left lung. (It's a radioactive test and abnormal cells will appear to be glowing on the test results.)  Dr. Hubbard has reviewed the test and has stated that he feels the chances of the breast cancer moving to my lungs at this stage is 1 in a million.  (Which actually reminds me of a scene in Dumb & Dumber where Mary tells Lloyd that his chances of them ending up together are 1 in a million to which he replies "So you're telling me there's a chance!!"  LOL!!)  Anyway......Dr. Hubbard has ordered a CT scan to look at the lung more closely.  He thinks that the blip on the PET CT scan may be just that - a blip.  Of course we need to know for sure.  If the spot shows up on this follow up scan, then I will definitely start my treatment with chemotherapy because this translates to Stage 4 breast cancer rather than Stage 2.  The CT scan will also be on Thursday morning after the ultrasound/biopsy procedure.  Please pray that the test reveals no abnormalities in the left lung!!

 

Thursday afternoon I meet with a doctor from MD Anderson Regional Cancer Care Center which is a part of St. Luke's (I  believe) in the Woodlands. The doctor there will look at everything that has been done so far and give me a second opinion as to treatment options.  I have been given lots of advice to use MD Anderson and just as much advice not to.  I guess at MD Anderson you don't actually get to pick your doctor and you have no choice in your treatment plan. They prescribe it for you. Not sure I like that idea although they are "the experts" in cancer treatment.  Mostly people tell me that I have to do what I feel is right in my gut....what feels right for me. Would you agree?

 

I really feel that everything is going to be all right.  It's just going to be a long process and something I never envisioned I'd have to go through.  Please continue to pray for me whenever possible.

Ugggh. Not expecting this....

I saw a surgeon last Friday and his treatment plan was more aggressive than I had anticipated. I was not thrilled with that news, but it is what it is.  I am scheduled for an MRI and a PET CT Scan tomorrow to find out if I have cancer anywhere in my bones, liver, other organs OR if I have additional cells in the breast area which haven't been detected in the mammograms/ultrasounds.  After this assessment, I will be able to determine a good course of treatment.  Next Thursday I will have another doctor with MD Anderson review my diagnostic tests to ensure that she agrees with the treatment plan that the Woodlands surgeon has suggested.  Then I'll decide on my medical team.  It does look like I may have to have chemotherapy which I was hoping against.  (Isn't my hair my best feature?? I think so....  )

My boss and her boss are so incredibly supportive of me.  I feel very VERY blessed to be in the job that I'm in if I have to be going through this.  My boss said, "We're just gonna' throw you a few softballs for awhile until you feel ready to take on more assignments." They've told me that once I start treatment that I can work from home or come in to the office and that the most important thing is taking care of myself. What a relief!  My co-workers are amazing as well! 

And have I mentioned my friends?  Their love is elevating my spirits beyond belief! Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.  I am truly blessed!!

Philippians 4:6-7 In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.

Post Biopsy

The biopsies went as planned, although the doctor accidentaly hit a nerve on the left boob and I was close to punching her in the face and breaking her glasses! She's like "Are you okay?" "Uh, hell no I'm not okay! That hurt like a son of a B" And of course that was the first side she worked on. She couldn't understand why I kept jumping after that. All in all, it was a really tough morning.  I got through it. The ice packs and tylenol did their trick the rest of the day and I slept during the afternoon. I was able to get up and go to work today with no problem. 

 

I expect the pathology report on Thursday.  I am already geared up for definite cancer on L boob, maybe on R boob, and hopefully nothing in the lymph node.  If that's the case, I'll have to have a lumpectomy and maybe follow up radiation therapy.  I've been reading up on it and I know I can definitely get through that.

 

Thankfully I have had lot of wonderful offers from friends. I have turned my back on offers in the past because I like to think I'm independent. It just made me alone.....

 

What? Cervical Cancer Too??

Last week Tuesday I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have two lumps in my left breast, one in the right, and another in a lymph node under my left arm.  I am going to have biopsies on all three tomorrow morning. It is going to be a long process tomorrow morning as they said it will take about 4 hours to complete everything I need. The biopsies will determine the specific type of cancer and the next steps. Last Thursday my doctor called and said that my pap test also came back abnormal.  I will have the cervix biopsy on the 21st. This was a lot to swallow all at once. I am not a worrier as I don't think it solves anything...just a lot of negative energy wasted.  I also I believe that worrying means that you don't trust God to take care of the details. I would ask you to pray for strength, and guidance in making wise choices, and a calm spirit. I trust you guys as my "community" of believers. My mom is here from Wisconsin and she's taking me for my tests, etc.  At this point, that's all we know.

Initial Scare

I need prayer AGAIN so I'm reaching out to family and friends!!  I found out today that I most likely have breast cancer.  I went to my OBGYN a week ago and she found two palpable lumps.  Sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound.  I had those procedures done today.  The radiologist found not only those two lumps in the L breast but also another in the R breast and a suspicious lymph node in the L armpit area.  The radiologist commented that it didn't look like fybrocystic breast condition because there was a lot of blood feeding the area (you may be more educated here than I am) but it "looked like" breast cancer due to the blood flow and the inclusion of the lymph node.  They won't know for sure but of course I will need biopsies on the L, the R, and the lymph node to confirm.  Biopsy will take place on Thursday if they can squeeze me in, or otherwise next Monday or Tuesday.  Of course there is nothing I can do but follow doctor's orders and educate myself.  I know that most breast cancers today can be cured and I am hopeful and grateful for that.  At this point "I don't know what I don't know" so I am trying to educate myself on the types and stages and diagnoses and treatments.  My parents are here in Texas so my mom will take me to the biopsy and any surgeries if needed.  (Although I am guessing "yes" based on the radiologist's initial screening.)  It's scary - mostly the unknowing part.  It always seems selfish to ask, but Please pray.  Thanks!! :)